INT. TARDIS
THE DOCTOR is working a few of the controls when a ship's
horn is heard and something crashes into the TARDIS throwing THE DOCTOR to the
floor. He looks up to see the bow of an ocean liner has broken through
the wall.
THE DOCTOR
What?!
(coughs)
What?!
(finds a life preserver that
reads "TITANIC") What?!
THE DOCTOR gets up, and, using various controls on the
console, closes the TARDIS, pushing out the ship. He then materializes it
within the TITANIC.
INT. TITANIC
THE DOCTOR steps out and looks around, seemingly in a
supply closet. He closes the TARDIS door, wipes his hands together and
steps out of the room. We see him again in a wood-panelled room decorated
with potted palms and Christmas decorations. People dressed in early 20th
century dress mill about as waiters pass hors d'oeuvres and champagne.
The band is playing a sedate version of "Jingle Bells". THE
DOCTOR approaches two golden angels garbed in white. They move
mechanically and he realizes they're robots. He wanders to the window and
looks out.
THE DOCTOR
(drawn out)
Right.
MAN
(over PA)
Attention all passengers.
The Titanic is now in orbit above Sol 3, also known as Earth. Population:
Human.
As the man is speaking, we see a spaceship modelled to
look like the Titanic in space above the Earth.
MAN (CONT'D)
(over PA)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Christmas.
{OPENING CREDITS}
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
On the bridge, the crew is in period uniform and the
equipment is a mix of period and futuristic.
CAPTAIN
Nice and steady. Good work,
Mr Cavill. And maintain position. Now then, gentlemen, according to
the traditions of the planet below, Christmas is a time of celebration. I
think you might be entitled to a tot of rum. Just the one. Off you
go.
(Three crewmembers salute with
a "Sir".)
I'll keep watch.
CAVILL:
Sir.
CAVILL salutes and leaves. The youngest member,
Midshipman FRAME, pauses at the door before closing it and facing the CAPTAIN.
CAPTAIN
And you, what was it?
FRAME
Midshipman Frame, sir. Only
just qualified, sir. First trip out.
CAPTAIN
Then you can stand down,
Midshipman.
FRAME
Uh, but, uh...regulations say the
bridge has to be staffed by two crewmembers at any one time, sir.
CAPTAIN
Well said. Very good.
(FRAME walks to a bank of
instruments)
It should be nice and
quiet. It's only a Level 5 planet down below. They don't even know
we're here. "Silent Night", I believe they call it. A
silent night.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
A video of a bald man with a thin moustache sitting
behind a desk. This is MAX
CAPRICORN
Max Capricorn Cruiseliners -- the
fastest, the farthest, the best. And I should know because my name is
Max.
His gold tooth glints.
The screen reverts to the cruise line logo. THE
DOCTOR, in a dinner jacket, watches as he fiddles with his tie. The band
is playing "Winter Wonderland". THE DOCTOR walks towards reception.
STEWARD:
Merry Christmas, sir
THE DOCTOR
Merry Christmas.
Once inside the same room from earlier, THE DOCTOR
mingles. He passes another man, RICKSTON SLADE, talking into a
"mobile".
RICKSTON
It's not a holiday for me, not
while I've still got my vone. Now do as I say and sell.
RICKSTON walks off. THE DOCTOR approaches a robotic
angel.
THE DOCTOR
Evening. Passenger 57.
Terrible memory. Remind me. Uh, you would be...
HOST
Information: Heavenly Host
supplying tourist information.
THE DOCTOR
Good, so, um... tell me -- 'cause
I'm an idiot -- where are we from?
HOST
Information: the Titanic is en
route from the planet Sto in the Cassavalian Belt. The purpose of the
cruise is to experience primitive cultures.
THE DOCTOR
Titanic. Um...who... thought of
the name?
HOST
Information: it was chosen
as the most famous vessel of the planet Earth.
THE DOCTOR
Did they tell you why it was
famous?
HOST
Information: all designations are
chosen by Mr Max Capricorn, president of Max -- Max -- Max...
Host keeps repeating the name becoming higher in pitch.
THE DOCTOR
Ooh, bit of a glitch.
He reaches into his pocket.
CHIEF STEWARD
(hurries over)
Sir, we can handle this.
(Waves to others for
assistance. Two other stewards arrive and switch off the HOST, taking it
away.)
Software problem, that's
all. Leave it with us, sir. Merry Christmas.
(follows after other stewards)
That's another one down.
What's going on with these things?
INT. HOST STORAGE
The CHIEF STEWARD has brought the HOST down to what is
the Host storage and repair room.
CHIEF STEWARD
(to CHIEF ENGINEER)
That's eight of them now on the
blink. One woman, she asked the Host to fix her necklace. It almost
broke her neck... in First Class.
CHIEF ENGINEER
I've been over the
robotics. Nothing. It's like somebody's got into them. Some
kind of bug.
(a forklift comes by with Host
parts on it)
Whoa, wait, wait, wait. Over
there, Bay 15.
CHIEF STEWARD
Tell you what. If you can't
fix them, throw them overboard.
The CHIEF STEWARD and CHIEF ENGINEER walk off in opposite
directions. The HOST moves its head.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
In Reception, THE DOCTOR witnesses a waitress, ASTRID
PETH, drop her tray of drinks after bumping into RICKSTON.
RICKSTON
For Tov's sake, look where
you're going! This jacket's a genuine Earth antique.
ASTRID
I'm sorry, sir.
She gets down to pick up broken glass.
RICKSTON
You'll be sorry when it comes off
your wages, sweetheart. Staffed by idiots. No wonder Max Capricorn
is going down the drain.
He storms off.
THE DOCTOR
(coming to help ASTRID)
Careful. There we go.
ASTRID
Thank you, sir. I can
manage.
THE DOCTOR
I never said you couldn't.
I'm the Doctor, by the way.
ASTRID
Astrid, sir. Astrid Peth.
THE DOCTOR
Nice to meet you, Astrid Peth.
Merry Christmas.
ASTRID
(surprised)
Merry Christmas, sir.
THE DOCTOR
Just "Doctor", not
"sir".
ASTRID
You enjoying the cruise?
THE DOCTOR
Um...Yeah, I suppose. I don't
know. It doesn't quite work, a cruise on your own.
ASTRID
(standing)
You're not with anyone?
THE DOCTOR
(standing)
No, no. Just me.
Just, uh...used to be but, uh... No. What about you? Long way from
home, Planet Sto.
ASTRID
Doesn't feel that different.
I spent three years working at the spaceport diner, travelled all the way
here...and I'm still waiting on tables.
She walks away.
THE DOCTOR
(following)
No shore leave?
ASTRID
(clears table by window)
We're not allowed. They can't
afford the insurance. I just wanted to try it, just once. I used to
watch the ships heading off to the stars and I always dreamt of...It sounds daft.
THE DOCTOR
You dreamt of another sky. New
sun, new air, new life. A whole universe teeming with life. Why
stand still when there're all that life out there?
ASTRID
So...you travel a lot?
THE DOCTOR
All the time. Just for
fun. Well, that's the plan. Never quite works.
ASTRID
Must be rich, though.
THE DOCTOR
Haven't got a penny.
(whispers)
Stowaway.
ASTRID
Kidding.
THE DOCTOR
Seriously.
ASTRID
No!
THE DOCTOR
Oh, yeah.
ASTRID
How did you get on board?
THE DOCTOR
Accident. I've got this,
sort of, ship thing. I was just rebuilding her. Left the defences
down, bumped into the Titanic. Here I am. Bit of a party, I thought
"Why not?"
ASTRID
I should report you.
THE DOCTOR
Go on then.
ASTRID
I'll get you a drink...
(whispers)
on the house.
She walks away and passes a group of first-class
passengers who are laughing and pointing at a heavyset couple, MORVIN and FOON
VAN HOFF, dressed in purple country-western outfits sitting and eating.
MORVIN
(to FOON)
Just ignore 'em
THE DOCTOR
(sits at their table)
Something's tickled them.
FOON
They told us it was fancy
dress. Very funny, I'm sure.
MORVIN
They're just pickin' on us
because we haven't paid. We won our tickets in a competition.
FOON
I had to name the five husbands
of Joofie Crystalle in "By the Light of the Asteroid". Did you
ever watch...
THE DOCTOR
Is that the one with the twins?
FOON
That's it. Oh, it's
marvelous.
MORVIN
Probably not good enough for that
lot.
(motions to laughing
crowd)
They think we should be in
steerage.
THE DOCTOR
(reaches into pocket)
Can't have that, can we?
THE DOCTOR holds the sonic screwdriver at his side and
aims behind him. The champagne on the table pops its cork, spraying all
over those at the table.
FOON
Did -- Did you do that?
THE DOCTOR
Maybe.
He puts screwdriver away.
FOON
We like you.
MORVIN
We do.
(reaches out his hand to THE
DOCTOR)
I'm Morvin van Hoff.
(shakes hands)
This is my good woman, Foon.
THE DOCTOR
(shakes FOON's hand)
Foon. Hello, I'm the
Doctor.
FOON
Ooh, I'm gonna need a Doctor by
the time I'm finished with this buffet. Have a buffalo wing. They
must be enormous, these buffalo, so many wings.
THE DOCTOR takes a buffalo wing.
PA:
Attention please. Shore
leave tickets Red 6-7 now activated. Red 6-7.
FOON
(takes out ticket)
Red 6-7. That's us.
(stands)
Are you Red 6-7?
THE DOCTOR
Might as well be.
MORVIN
Come on.
(puts arm around FOON)
We're going to Earth.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME is examining the panels.
FRAME
Seems to be power diverted to deck
31, sir. It flared up then it stopped.
CAPTAIN
Nothing to worry about. She's
an old ship, full of aches and pains.
FRAME
Picking up a meteoroid shower
portside, bearing West 56 North 2.
CAPTAIN
Pretty standard in this part of
space. Miles away.
FRAME
We could probably see it, sir.
FRAME looks through binoculars and sees the meteors with
burning tails.
INT. TITANIC
An older man, MR COPPER, dressed in a tweed suit holds up
a red sign bearing "6-7".
COPPER
Red 6-7. Red 6-7.
This way, fast as you can.
The VAN HOFFS rush over, THE DOCTOR following.
ASTRID approaches.
ASTRID
I got you that drink.
THE DOCTOR
And I got you a treat. Come
on.
He takes tray from her and sets it on a table.
COPPER
Red 6-7 departing shortly.
THE DOCTOR
(holds up psychic paper)
Red 6-7 plus one.
COPPER
Uh, quickly, sir, and please take
two teleport bracelets if you would.
ASTRID
(whispers)
I'll get the sack.
THE DOCTOR
(hands her a bracelet)
Brand new sky.
COPPER
To repeat, I am Mr Copper, the
ship's historian, and I shall be taking you to old London town in the country
of U.K. ruled over by good King Wenceslas. Now human beings worshipped
the great god Santa, a creature with fearsome claws, and his wife Mary.
And every Christmas Eve the people of U.K. go to war with the country of
Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner... like
savages.
THE DOCTOR
Excuse me, sorry, sorry, but,
um...where did you get all this from?
COPPER
Well, I have a first class degree
in Earthonomics. Now stand by...
BANNAKAFFALATTA
(high pitch)
And me! And me! Red
6-7!
The owner of the voice is a small red-skinned alien with
short spikes along his head.
COPPER
Well, take a bracelet, sir?
THE DOCTOR
Uh, but, um, hold on, hold
on. What was your name?
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Bannakaffalatta.
THE DOCTOR
OK, Bannakaffalatta. But it's
Christmas Eve down there. Late-night shopping, tons of people. He's
like a walking conker. No offence, but you'll cause a riot 'cause the
streets are going to be packed with shoppers and parties...
The group is teleported down to Earth and arrive on an
empty street.
EXT. LONDON STREET (NIGHT)
THE DOCTOR
(looks around)
Oh.
COPPER
Now, spending money -- I have a
credit card in Earth currency if you want to by trinkets or, uh, stockings or
the local delicacy, which is known as "beef" but don't stray too far,
it could be dangerous. Any day now they start boxing.
While MR COPPER is talking, THE DOCTOR looks around,
confused by the empty street. ASTRID is in awe.
THE DOCTOR
It should be full. It
should be busy. Something's wrong.
ASTRID
But it's beautiful.
THE DOCTOR
Really? Do you think
so? It's just a street. The pyramids are beautiful, and New
Zealand...
ASTRID
But it's a different
planet. I'm standing on a different planet. Th--there's
concrete...and shops, alien shops, real alien shops! Look, no stars in the
sky. And it smells. It stinks!
(gasps)
This is amazing! Thank you!
She hugs THE DOCTOR.
THE DOCTOR
Yeah? Come on then, let's
have a look.
THE DOCTOR and ASTRID cross the street to a newsagent's
booth. Inside is an older man, WILF, bundled in winter clothes.
THE DOCTOR
Hello there! Sorry, uh,
obvious question, but where's everybody gone?
WILF
Oh-ho, scared!
THE DOCTOR
Right, yes. Scared of what?
WILF
Where have you been living?
London at Christmas? Not safe, is it?
THE DOCTOR
Why?
WILF
Well, it's them, up above
(points skywards).
Look, Christmas before last we
had that big bloody spaceship, everyone standing on a roof.
(points at his small TV that
is showing a clip)
And then last year, that
Christmas Star electrocuting all over the place, draining the Thames.
ASTRID
This place is amazing.
WILF
And this year, Lord knows
what. So everybody's scarpered, gone to the country. All except
me...and Her Majesty.
He stands proudly and looks at
TV.
TELEVISION REPORTER:
Her Majesty the Queen has
confirmed that she will be staying in Buckingham Palace throughout the festive
season to show the people of London, and the world, that there's nothing to
fear.
WILF
God bless her!
(salutes)
We stand vigil.
THE DOCTOR
Well, between you and me, I think
her Majesty's got it right. Far as I know, this year, nothing to worry
about.
THE DOCTOR and ASTRID are teleported back to the ship
leaving WILF standing there, mouth open.
WILF
(falls into his seat)
Then again...
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
The group materialises.
THE DOCTOR
(annoyed)
I was in mid-sentence.
COPPER
Yes, I'm sorry about that. A
bit of a problem. If I could have your bracelets --
CHIEF STEWARD
(joins them)
Apologies, ladies and gentlemen, Bannakaffalatta,
we seem to have suffered a slight power fluctuation. If you'd like to
return to the festivities. And on behalf of Max Capricorn Cruiseliners, free
drinks will be provided.
The ticket holders depart.
ASTRID
(to Doctor)
That was the best, the best!
She leaves. THE DOCTOR approaches the CHIEF STEWARD.
THE DOCTOR
What sort of power fluctuation?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME is still watching the meteoroids.
FRAME
That's a bit odd, sir, the
meteoroids are changing course. Still, we can put the shields up to
maximum just in case.
CAPTAIN
As you were, Midshipman.
FRAME looks to see the CAPTAIN pushing buttons on an
instrument panel.
FRAME
Sir? You're magnetizing the
hull, sir. It's drawing the meteors in.
COMPUTER
Port turning Earthside.
FRAME
I take it that's deliberate.
COMPUTER
Port turning Earthside.
FRAME
Bit of a light show for the
guests.
CAPTAIN
Something like that.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
The VAN HOFFS are eating at their table, the CHIEF
STEWARD warily eyes the HOST, RICKSTON is winning at roulette, BANNAKAFFALATTA
is dancing and ASTRID smiles at THE DOCTOR while serving drinks. All the
while, the band plays. THE DOCTOR sees a framed screen showing a video
loop of MAX CAPRICORN.
CAPRICORN
...and I should know because my
name is Max.
THE DOCTOR puts on his glasses and takes out his
screwdriver, which he uses on the frame.
CAPRICORN
The fastest, the furthest, the best...my
name is Max.
THE DOCTOR opens the frame and changes some settings
until the screen shows the Titanic and her immediate surroundings. He
sees the shields are offline. He peers out the window and sees the
meteors approaching.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
A communications whistle sounds.
THE DOCTOR
(over comms)
Is that the bridge? I need
to talk to the captain. You've got a meteoroid storm coming in West 0 by
North 2.
CAPTAIN
Who is this?
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
THE DOCTOR
Never mind that. Your
shields are down. Check your scanners, Captain. You've got
meteoroids coming in and now shielding!
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
CAPTAIN
You have no authorization.
You will clear the comms at once.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
THE DOCTOR
Yeah? Just look starboard!
Two STEWARDS come to escort THE DOCTOR out of reception.
CHIEF STEWARD
Come with me, sir.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
But he's right, sir. The
shields have been taken offline.
He goes to an instrument panel.
CAPTAIN
Step away from there.
FRAME
But we have to re-energize them.
CAPTAIN
I said step away, Midshipman.
FRAME looks up to see the CAPTAIN holding a gun on him.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
THE DOCTOR is led away through Reception, still arguing.
THE DOCTOR
You've got a rock storm heading
for this ship and the shields are down!
EXT. SPACE
In space we see the meteoroids heading towards the ship.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
CAPTAIN
They promised me old men.
FRAME
I'm sorry, sir?
CAPTAIN
On the crew. Sea dogs, men
who'd had their time. Not boys.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
In Reception, THE DOCTOR breaks from the STEWARDS and
runs to the stage where the band in playing.
THE DOCTOR
Everyone, listen to me!
This is an emergency! Get to the lifeb --
A HOST covers THE DOCTOR'S mouth and pulls him
away. ASTRID, the VAN HOFFS and BANNAKAFFALATTA look on in surprise.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
I'm sorry, sir. It's my
duty!
FRAME reaches for the panel and the CAPTAIN fires.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
THE DOCTOR is taken out of the room more forcibly this
time. He passes a small gathering, one of which is RICKSTON.
THE DOCTOR
Look out the windows!
ASTRID, RICKSTON and the VAN HOFFS slowly go to the
windows. BANNAKAFFALATTA excuses himself from a conversation.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Him, friend.
RICKSTON looks out a window and sees the
meteoroids. The STEWARDS are dragging THE DOCTOR out.
THE DOCTOR
If you don't believe me, check
the shields yourself!
ASTRID
Sir, I can vouch for him!
MORVIN
Look, Steward, he's just had a
bit too much to drink.
COPPER
Sir, something seems to have gone
wrong. All the teleports are down.
CHIEF STEWARD
Not now!
A small piece of rock breaks through a window and lands
at RICKSTONS feet.
COMPUTER
Oxygen membrane holding. Oxygen
membrane holding.
RICKSTON turns to HOST.
RICKSTON
You there. Has anyone
checked the external shielding?
HOST
Information: you are all
going to die.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
The CAPTAIN stands at the wheel. FRAME lies on the
floor, still alive but bleeding from a wound in his side. Sonar shows the
meteoroids getting closer.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
RICKSTON
(to a steward)
Where's the Chief Steward?
STEWARD:
(points)
That way, sir.
RICKSTON rushes off.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
The CHIEF STEWARD is taking THE DOCTOR through
maintenance corridors. ASTRID, MR COPPER, BANNAKAFFALATTA and the VAN
HOFFS follow them.
THE DOCTOR
The shields are down, we are
going to get hit.
Everyone begins talking at once.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
You're going to kill us.
CAPTAIN
I'm dying already. Six
months. And they offered me so much money... for my family.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
RICKSTON catches up to the others.
RICKSTON
Oi! Steward! I'm
telling you the shields are down!
THE DOCTOR
Listen to him! Listen to
him!
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
We see CAPRICORN'S video intercut with a couple watching
from a window and the bridge
CAPRICORN
Max Capricorn.
WOMAN
(looks out window)
Darling, come and have a look at
this.
CAPRICORN
Fastest...
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
The CAPTAIN is at the wheel.
COMPUTER
Red Alert. Red Alert.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
MAN
Cheers.
EXT. SPACE
Three meteoroids head straight for the ship
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
CAPRICORN
The furthest....
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME is lying on the floor, whimpering.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
CAPRICORN
The best.
EXT. TITANIC
The meteoroids strike the side of the ship and everyone
throughout the ship is thrown to the floor. On Deck 31, the CHIEF
ENGINEER calls for help.
INT. TITANIC DECK 31
CHIEF ENGINEER
Bert! Bert!
(looks at HOST)
Help me! Help!
A beam falls on him.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR protects ASTRID as they are thrown to the
floor.
INT. TITANIC DECK 31
On Deck 31, the HOST form a line.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
In the maintenance area, THE
DOCTOR is the first to stand. He shushes everyone and listens.
THE DOCTOR
It's stopping.
EXT. SPACE
The Titanic creaks and groans as bits of it float off in
space.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR
(Helps ASTRID stand)
You all right?
ASTRID
I think so.
THE DOCTOR
Bad name for a ship. Either
that or this suit is really unlucky.
THE DOCTOR kneels to examine one of the stewards.
The man is dead. MAX CAPRICORN'S voice can be heard.
CAPRICORN
My name is Max. My name is
Max. My name is Max.
CHIEF STEWARD
Ev-everyone... Ladies and
gentlemen, Bannakaffalatta, I must apologize on behalf of Max Capricorn Cruiseliners.
We seem to have had a small collision.
THE DOCTOR finds a comms panel, the source of CAPRICORN'S
voice.
MORVIN
(indignant)
Small?
RICKSTON
You know how much I paid for my
ticket?
CHIEF STEWARD
If I could have silence, ladies,
gentlemen...
They ignore him and continue arguing.
CHIEF STEWARD
Quiet!
(they stop)
Thank you. I--I'm sure Max
Capricorn Cruiseliners will be able to reimburse you for any
inconvenience. But first I would point out that we are very much alive.
ASTRID
(to MR COPPER)
Are you all right?
She helps dab the cut on his head. THE DOCTOR walks over
to the others.
CHIEF STEWARD
She is, after all, a fine, sturdy
ship. If you could all stay here while I ascertain the exact nature of
the -- the situation.
He goes to open a hatch.
THE DOCTOR
Don't open it!
The hatch opens and the CHIEF STEWARD is sucked out into
space by the vacuum. Everyone grabs hold of any piping near them. THE
DOCTOR goes over to the comms and uses the sonic screwdriver on the computer to
replace the shield.
COMPUTER
Oxygen shield stabilized.
THE DOCTOR
Everyone all right? Astrid?
ASTRID
(panting)
Yeah.
THE DOCTOR
Foon? Morvin? Mr Copper? Bannakaffalatta?
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Yes.
THE DOCTOR
You, What was your name?
RICKSTON
Ah, Rickston Slade.
THE DOCTOR
You all right?
RICKSTON
No thanks to that idiot.
ASTRID
The steward just died.
RICKSTON
Then he's a dead idiot.
ASTRID gasps and takes a step towards RICKSTON
THE DOCTOR
All right, calm down. Just
stay still, all of you. Hold on.
He walks to hatch opening.
ASTRID
(joining him)
What happened? How come the
shields were down?
THE DOCTOR
I don't think it was an accident.
ASTRID looks out into space and sees bodies among the
flotsam and jetsam floating above Earth.
ASTRID
How many dead?
THE DOCTOR
We're alive, just focus on
that. I will get you out of here, Astrid. I promise. Look at
me. I promise.
(she nods)
Good. Now
(looks around)
if we can get to Reception, I've
got a spaceship tucked away. We can all get on board... (looks outside)
Oh.
ASTRID
What is it? What's wrong?
THE DOCTOR
That's my spaceship over there.
ASTRID
Where?
THE DOCTOR
There, that box. That
little blue box.
The TARDIS floats in space.
ASTRID
That's a spaceship?
THE DOCTOR
Oi, don't knock it.
ASTRID
It's a bit small.
THE DOCTOR
A bit distant. Trouble is,
once it's set adrift, it's programmed to lock onto the nearest centre of
gravity and that would be...the Earth.
The TARDIS heads down to Earth.
INT. TITANIC DECK 31
Tthe CHIEF ENGINEER is trapped under a beam.
CHIEF ENGINEER
(to HOST)
Don't just stand there! Get
this thing off me! Host, that's an order. Help me! That's
your job, isn't it?
HOST
(steps forward)
Information: we now have only one
function.
CHIEF ENGINEER
And what's that?
HOST
Information: to kill.
It reaches both hands to halo and removes it.
CHIEF ENGINEER
What are you doing? I'm
ordering you... Stop it. Stop it right now!
The HOST throws the halo like a Frisbee towards the
trapped man who screams.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR speaks into a comms device.
THE DOCTOR
Deck 22 to the bridge. Deck
22 to the bridge. Is there anyone there?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME moans, and clutching his side, reaches the comms.
FRAME
This is the bridge.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR
Oh hello, sailor. Good to
hear you. What's the situation up there?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
We've got air. The oxygen
field is holding. But the captain...
(looks to the CAPTAIN'S body
buried under wreckage)
He's dead. He did it.
(voice breaks)
I watched while he took down the
shields. There was nothing I could do. I tried. I did try.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR
All right. Just stay
calm. Tell me your name. What's your name?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
Midshipman Frame.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR
Nice to meet you, sir. What's
the state of the engines?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
They're um...
(he tries to see without
moving)
Hold on.
(He pushes himself forward and
groans)
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR
Have you been injured?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
I'm all right. Oh my vot.
They're cycling down.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR
That's a nuclear storm drive,
yes?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
Yeah.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR
The moment they're gone, we lose
orbit.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
The planet.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR
Oh yes. If we hit the
planet, the nuclear storm explodes and wipes out life on Earth.
Midshipman, I need you to fire up the engine containment field and feed it back
into the core.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
This is never going to work.
THE DOCTOR
(over comms)
Trust me, it'll keep the engines
going until I can get to the bridge.
INT. TITANIC MAINTENANCE
THE DOCTOR switches off the comms and faces the others.
FOON
We're going to die!
COPPER
Are you saying someone's done
this on purpose?
ASTRID
We're just a cruise ship!
THE DOCTOR
Okay, okay. Tch, tch.
First things first. One: we're going to climb through this ship.
B...no...two: we're going to reach the bridge. Three -- or C: we're going to
save the Titanic. And, coming in a very low Four or D or that little
"iv" in brackets they use in footnotes...why. Right then, follow
me.
RICKSTON
Hang on a minute. Who put
you in charge and who the hell are you anyway?
THE DOCTOR
I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time
Lord. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous.
I'm 903 years old and I'm the man who's gonna save your lives and all six
billion of the people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?
RICKSTON
No.
THE DOCTOR
In that case, allons-y!
INT. TITANIC STAIRWELL
THE DOCTOR slowly pushes open a metal door that leads
into a stairwell littered with debris and sparking cables
THE DOCTOR
Careful. Follow me.
THE DOCTOR goes ahead, clearing the way. ASTRID
follows then MR COPPER, RICKSTON and the VAN HOFFS
COPPER
Rather ironic when this is very
much in the spirit of Christmas. It's a festival of violence. They
say that human beings only survive depending on whether they've been good or
bad. It's barbaric.
THE DOCTOR
Actually, that's not true.
Christmas is a time of -- of peace and thanksgiving and...what am I on
about? Christmas is always like this.
(uncovers a dormant
HOST)
We've got a Host. Strength
of ten. If we can mend it, we can use it to fix the rubble.
MORVIN
We can do robotics, both of us.
FOON
We worked on the milk market back
on Sto. It's all robot staff.
THE DOCTOR
See if you can get it
working.
(to ASTRID)
Let's have a look.
Everyone but the VAN HOFFS climbs the stairs and fine
their path blocked by wreckage.
ASTRID
It's blocked.
THE DOCTOR
So what do we do?
ASTRID
We shift it.
THE DOCTOR
That's the attitude. Rickston,
Mr Copper, and you, Bannakaffalatta... look, can I just call you Banna? It's
gonna save a lot of time.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
No! Bannakaffalatta!
THE DOCTOR
All right then, Bannakaffalatta,
there's a gap in the middle. See if you can get through.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Easy. Good.
He squeezes through opening. The ship lurches again
sending loose debris falling in them.
RICKSTON
This whole thing could come
crashing down any minute!
THE DOCTOR
Oh, Rickston, I forgot. Did
you get our message?
RICKSTON
No. What message?
THE DOCTOR
Shut up!
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Bannakaffalatta made it.
ASTRID
I'm small enough, I can get
through.
She makes her way through the hole.
THE DOCTOR
Careful.
ASTRID
I'm fine.
RICKSTON
Thing is, how are Mr and Mrs
Fatso gonna get through this gap?
THE DOCTOR
We make the gap bigger. So
start.
He hands him a piece of metal. The VAN HOFFS are working
on the HOST. Having overheard RICKSTON, FOON starts crying.
MORVIN
Hey, hey! Come on,
sweetheart. Don't listen to him.
FOON
No, but it's all my fault,
though. The tickets.
MORVIN
We won them fair and square.
FOON
I know. I never told ya.
I dialed the competition line 5000 times. That's 5000 credits. I
might as well have paid for the tickets. I've been hiding the vone bill
for months now.
MORVIN
(shocked)
5000 credits? You spent
5000 credits?
FOON
(nods, ashamed)
Don't hate me.
(MORVIN laughs)
What's so funny?
MORVIN
5000?
He laughs.
FOON
We'll never pay that off.
MORVIN
I know. We'll have to work
70 years you mad, bloody woman.
He laughs.
FOON
You're not cross?
MORVIN
Does it matter? Look at
us. You drive me barmy. I don't half love you... Mrs van Hoff.
Come here.
He hugs her. The VAN HOFFS' laughter floats up to where THE
DOCTOR and MR COPPER are clearing debris while RICKSTON looks on
RICKSTON
What happened? Did they
find a donut?
ASTRID
I can clear it from this
side. Just tell me if it starts moving.
(sees Bannakaffalatta lying
down)
Bannakaffalatta, what's wrong?
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Sshhh.
ASTRID
What is it?
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Can't say.
ASTRID
(moves to his side)
Are you hurt?
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Ashamed.
ASTRID
Of what?
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Poor Bannakaffalatta.
He lifts shirt to reveal cybernetic components.
ASTRID
You're a cyborg.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Had accident long ago. Secret.
ASTRID
No, but everything's changed
now. Cyborgs are getting equal rights. They passed a law back on Sto.
You can even get married.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Marry you?
ASTRID
Well, you can buy me a drink
first. Come on. Let's recharge you.
(presses a button on his
torso)
Just stay there for a bit.
She goes back to clearing.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Tell no one.
ASTRID
I promise.
THE DOCTOR
What's going on up there?!
ASTRID
I think Bannakaffalatta and I
just got engaged.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME is attempting to bandage himself when the comms
whistle.
FRAME
This is the bridge.
INT. TITANIC KITCHEN
A group of six men are waiting, huddled together in a
cramped room.
MAN
This is Kitchen #5.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
How many of you are there?
INT. TITANIC KITCHEN
MAN
Six of us, just about. Are
we the only ones left alive, sir?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
No. There's more on Deck
19. Hold on, if I reverse the scanner... No, 50, 60 people still
onboard ship. Hold on. I can see you. Kitchen Five, there you
are. Listen, everyone's heading for the bridge. Don't go portside,
there's no way. Can you make your way starboard?
INT. TITANIC KITCHEN
MAN
We're stuck. The doors have
sealed. We can't get out.
(the wheel on the door turns)
No, wait a minute. It's
opening. There's someone on the other side.
(the door opens to reveal four
HOST)
Host. We've got Host.
The Host are still working.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
Oh, that's brilliant. Tell
them to clear a path up to the bridge.
INT. TITANIC KITCHEN
The HOST lift their hands and remove their halos
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
Did you get that? Kitchen
Five report. Hello? Kitchen Five?
Screams come over the comms and the life signs vanish
from the scanner
MAN
(over comms)
It's the --
FRAME
Report!
INT. TITANIC STAIRWELL
MORVIN
Almost done!
THE DOCTOR
Good, good, good.
(into comms)
Mr Frame, how's things?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
Doctor, I've got life signs all
over the ship but they're going out one by one.
INT. TITANIC STAIRWELL
THE DOCTOR
What is it? Are they losing
air?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
No. One of them said it's
the Host. It's something to do with the Host.
INT. TITANIC STAIRWELL
THE DOCTOR looks to where the VAN HOFFS are working just
as the HOST resumes function.
MORVIN
It's working!
THE DOCTOR rushes down. The HOST takes MORVIN by
the throat.
HOST
Kill. Kill. Kill.
It keeps repeating it.
THE DOCTOR
Turn it off!
FOON tries to shut it off.
FOON
I can't, Doctor!
THE DOCTOR
(arrives)
Go!
FOON backs away up the stairs. THE DOCTOR uses the
sonic screwdriver on the HOST.
THE DOCTOR
Lock! Double deadlock!
(puts away screwdriver and
uses his hands to pry MORVIN free)
Okay, go upstairs!
FOON
Run, darling, run!
HOST
Information: kill, kill, kill...
MORVIN
Foon! Foon!
THE DOCTOR
Rickston! Get them through!
RICKSTON
No chance!
He goes through the narrow opening himself.
COPPER
Rickston!
FOON
I'll never get through there.
COPPER
Yes, you can. Let me go
first.
The HOST goes after THE DOCTOR who runs up to the comms.
THE DOCTOR
It's the Host! They've gone
berserk! Are you safe up there?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME turns to see HOST heading for the open door of the
bridge.
HOST
Kill. Kill. Kill.
FRAME closes and locked the door just in time, catching
the hand of one of the HOST.
INT. TITANIC STAIRWELL
MR COPPER and ASTRID are helping FOON.
FOON
No, I'm stuck!
ASTRID
Come on, you can do it!
MR COPPER is using a metal pole as a lever to widen the
space.
COPPER
It's going to collapse!
(Foon makes it through)
Rickston, vot damn it, help me!
RICKSTON
No... way.
THE DOCTOR
Morvin, get through!
MORVIN is having a tougher time than FOON. The HOST
is still following.
HOST
Kill. Kill. Kill.
It keeps repeating. THE DOCTOR comes up behind MORVIN.
ASTRID
Doctor, he's stuck!
THE DOCTOR
(puts his hands on MORVIN's
rear)
Mr van Hoff, I know we've only
just met but you'll have to excuse me.
He shoves and MORVIN makes it through.
ASTRID
That's it. We've got
you. Doctor, come on, get through.
The HOST is right behind THE DOCTOR.
THE DOCTOR
(turns to HOST)
Information override! You
will tell me the point of origin of your command structure!
COPPER
(straining)
I can't hold it!
HOST
Information: Deck 31
THE DOCTOR
Thank you.
(scrambles through hole)
Let go!
MR COPPER releases his grip on the pole and the beam
crashes onto the HOST'S head.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
At the door, FRAME turns to see the hand still
moving. With a yelp, he turns a handle causing the door to fully close,
cutting off the hand. He looks through the window in the door to see a
line of HOST waiting.
INT. TITANIC KITCHENS
THE DOCTOR, ASTRID, the VAN HOFFS, MR COPPER and RICKSTON
find themselves in another open room. FOON looks to a table.
FOON
Morvin, look, food.
RICKSTON
(sarcastically)
Oh great. Someone's happy.
MORVIN
Don't have any then.
THE DOCTOR heads for the comms.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
The comms whistles and THE DOCTOR's voice comes over.
THE DOCTOR
Mr Frame, you still there?
FRAME
Yes, sir, but I've got Host
outside. I sealed the door.
INT. TITANIC KITCHENS
THE DOCTOR
They've been programmed to
kill. Why would anyone do that?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
That's not the only problem,
Doctor. I had to use a maximum deadlock on the door, which means...
No one can get in. I'm sealed off. Even if you can fix the Titanic,
you can't get to the bridge.
INT. TITANIC KITCHENS
THE DOCTOR
Yeah, right, fine. One
problem at a time. What's on Deck 31?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
Um, that's down below. It's
nothing. It's just the Host storage deck. That's where we keep the
robots.
INT. TITANIC KITCHENS
THE DOCTOR
(looks at scanner)
Well, what's that?
(puts on glasses)
See that panel? Black.
It's registering nothing. No power, no heat, no light.
FRAME
(over comms)
Never seen it before.
THE DOCTOR
100% shielded. What's down
there?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
I'll try intensifying the
scanner.
INT. TITANIC KITCHENS
THE DOCTOR
Let me know if you find anything.
(takes off glasses)
And keep those engines going!
ASTRID brings him some food.
ASTRID
Saved you some. You might
be a Time King from Gaddabee but you need to eat.
THE DOCTOR
Yeah, thanks.
Takes the food and sits.
ASTRID
(sitting)
So, you look good for 903.
THE DOCTOR
(mouth full)
You should see me in the
mornings.
ASTRID
Okay.
They both realize what was said and look away from each
other. MR COPPER joins them.
COPPER
Doctor, it must be well past
midnight, Earth time. Christmas Day.
THE DOCTOR
So it is. Merry Christmas.
ASTRID
This Christmas thing, what's it
all about?
THE DOCTOR
Long story. I should know,
I was there. I got the last room.
COPPER
But if the planet's waking up,
can't we signal them? They can send up a rocket or something.
THE DOCTOR
They don't have spaceships.
COPPER
No, I read about it. They
have shuffles, space shuffles.
THE DOCTOR
Mr Copper, this degree in Earthonomics,...
where's it from?
COPPER
Honestly?
THE DOCTOR
Just between us.
COPPER
Mrs Golightly's Happy Travelling
University and Dry Cleaners.
He mops brow with hankie and sits.
ASTRID
You -- you lied to the company...
to get the job?
COPPER
I-- I wasted my life on Sto.
I was a travelling salesman, always on the road and I reached retirement with
nothing to show for it. Not even a home. And Earth sounded so
exotic.
THE DOCTOR
Hm, I suppose it is, yeah.
ASTRID
How come you know it so well?
THE DOCTOR
I was sort of...a few years ago,
was sorta made... well, sort of homeless, and, um there was the Earth.
COPPER
Thing is, if we survive this,
there will be police and all sorts of investigations. Now the minimum
penalty for space-age fraud is ten years in jail. I'm an old man.
Well, I won't survive ten years.
There is a banging on the door and THE DOCTOR drops his
food and rushes to the opposite door.
THE DOCTOR
A Host! Move! Come
on!
The pounding continues on the door, which dents from the
force. ASTRID screams and they all follow THE DOCTOR to the opposite
side. THE DOCTOR uses the sonic screwdriver on the door and it opens to
reveal a space that runs the height of the ship. The only way across is a
makeshift bridge -- created by a fallen strut -- below which are the engines.
INT. TITANIC ENGINE SPACE
RICKSTON
Is that the only way across?
THE DOCTOR
On the other hand, it is a way
across.
ASTRID
The engines are open.
THE DOCTOR
Nuclear storm drive. Soon
as it stops, the Titanic falls.
MORVIN
But that thing, it'll never take
our weight.
RICKSTON
You're going last, mate.
THE DOCTOR
It's nitrofine metal. It's
stronger than it looks.
MORVIN
All the same, Rickston's
right. Me and Foon should --
He steps on a weak piece of metal near the edge, the
railing gives away and MORVIN falls towards the engines with a scream.
FOON
Morvin!
The others watch in shock and horror.
RICKSTON
I told you! I told you!
COPPER
Just shut up! Shut up!
FOON
(hysterical, to THE DOCTOR)
Bring him back! Can't you
bring him back? Bring him back, Doctor!
THE DOCTOR
I'm sorry, I can't.
FOON
You promised me!
THE DOCTOR
I know. I'm sorry. I'm
sorry.
INT. TITANIC
A group of HOST is marching through the halls towards them.
INT. TITANIC ENGINE SPACE
COPPER
Doctor, I rather think those
things have got our scent.
RICKSTON
I'm not waiting.
He starts across the bridge.
THE DOCTOR
Careful! Take it slowly!
There's a rumbling as the ship rocks and RICKSTON is
nearly knocked off.
RICKSTON
Vot help me.
THE DOCTOR
You're okay. One step at a
time. Come on, you can do it.
INT. TITANIC
HOST
Kill. Kill.
Kill
They repeat it.
INT. TITANIC ENGINE SPACE
COPPER
They're getting nearer!
THE DOCTOR
(mutters)
Seal us in.
He uses sonic screwdriver on the door to do just that.
COPPER
Leaving us trapped, wouldn't you
say?
THE DOCTOR
Never say trapped, just
inconveniently circumstanced.
COPPER
Oh.
RICKSTON is halfway across.
RICKSTON
I'm okay!
FOON
(hopefully)
Maybe he's all right. Maybe
-- Maybe there's a gravity curve down there or something. I don't
know. Maybe he's unconscious.
ASTRID
I'm sorry, Foon. He's
gone.
She hugs FOON.
FOON
(crying)
What am I going to do without
him?
RICKSTON reaches the other side.
RICKSTON
Yes! Oh yes! Who's
good?!
THE DOCTOR
Bannakaffalatta, you go next.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Bannakaffalatta, small.
THE DOCTOR
Slowly!
The HOST are pounding on the door from the other side.
COPPER
They've found us!
THE DOCTOR
Astrid, get across right now.
ASTRID
What about you?
THE DOCTOR
Just do it. Go on.
(ASTRID starts across)
Mr Copper, we can't wait.
Don't argue.
(MR COPPER follows)
Foon, you've got to get across
right now.
FOON
What for? What am I gonna
do without him?
RICKSTON
Doctor! The door's locked!
THE DOCTOR
Just think... what would he want,
eh?
FOON
He don't want nothing, he's dead!
She sobs.
RICKSTON
Doctor, I can't open the
door. We need the whirring key thing of yours!
THE DOCTOR
I can't leave her!
RICKSTON
She'll get us all killed if we
can't get out!
THE DOCTOR
Mrs van Hoff, I am coming back
for you, all right?
FOON nods and THE DOCTOR starts across. The metal
creaks at the weight of the four of them.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Too many people!
THE DOCTOR
Oi! Don't get spiky with
me! Keep going!
ASTRID
It's gonna fall!
THE DOCTOR
It's just settling! Keep
going!
It becomes quiet as the pounding stops.
ASTRID
They've stopped.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Gone away?
THE DOCTOR
Why would they give up?
RICKSTON
Never mind that. Keep
coming!
THE DOCTOR
Where have they gone? Where
are the Host?
COPPER
(looking up)
I'm afraid...we forgot the
tradition of Christmas -- that angels have wings!
He points. HOST are gliding down from above and encircle
them.
HOST
Information: kill.
The HOST reach for their halos.
THE DOCTOR
Arm yourselves! All of you!
They all reach for pipes or bits of metal to defend
themselves as the HOST throw their halos. They keep batting them
away. One grazes THE DOCTOR's arm and another MR COPPER's leg.
ASTRID falls to her knees.
ASTRID
I can't.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Bannakaffalatta stop! Bannakaffalatta
proud! Bannakaffalatta, cyborg!
He lifts his shirt and discharges some energy, disabling
the HOST and all but one fall toward the engines. One falls onto the
strut behind THE DOCTOR.
THE DOCTOR
Electromagnetic pulse took out
the robotics. Oh, Bannakaffalatta, that was brilliant!
BANNAKAFFALATTA falls and ASTRID goes to him.
ASTRID
He's used all his power!
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Did good?
ASTRID
You saved our lives.
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Bannakaffalatta happy.
ASTRID
We can recharge you, get you to a
power point and just plug you in!
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Too late.
ASTRID
No, but...you gotta get me that
drink, remember?
BANNAKAFFALATTA
Pretty girl.
He dies. ASTRID goes to button his shirt when MR COPPER
reaches for his power source.
COPPER
I'm sorry. Forgive me.
ASTRID
Leave him alone.
COPPER
It's the EMP transmitter.
He -- he'd want us to use it.
(removes it)
I used to sell these
things. They'd always give me a bed for the night in the cyborg
caravans. They're good people. But if we can recharge it, we can
reuse it as a weapon against the rest of the Host. Bannakaffalatta might
have saved us all.
RICKSTON
Do you think? Try telling
him that.
He points behind them. They
turn to see the HOST that had landed on the bridge begin to move.
HOST
Information: reboot.
RICKSTON
Use the EMP!
COPPER
It's dead!
ASTRID
It's gotta have emergency --
She takes the EMP from MR COPPER. THE DOCTOR confronts
the HOST
THE DOCTOR
No, no, no. Hold on.
Override loophole security protocol... Ten! 666! Oh. 21, 4, 5, 6, 7,
8. Um, I dunno, 42! Uh, one!
HOST
(stops mid-motion and stands passively)
Information: state request.
THE DOCTOR
Good...right. You've been
ordered to kill the survivors, but why?
HOST
Information: no witnesses.
THE DOCTOR
But this ship's gonna fall on the
Earth and kill everyone. The human race have nothing to do with the
Titanic so that contravenes your orders, yes?
HOST
Information: incorrect.
THE DOCTOR
But why do you want to destroy
the Earth?
HOST
Information: it is the plan.
THE DOCTOR
What plan?
HOST
Information: protocol grants you
only three questions. These three questions have been used.
THE DOCTOR
Well, you could have warned me.
HOST
Information: now you will die.
The HOST prepares to strike THE DOCTOR with its halo when
a lasso is thrown over its head and tightened around its body by FOON.
FOON
You're coming with me.
FOON closes her eyes and jumps over the side, pulling the
HOST with her.
THE DOCTOR
Nooooo!
They all watch helpless as FOON falls to her death.
THE DOCTOR
(determined)
No more.
They make it out and into another set of maintenance
halls.
THE DOCTOR
Right. Get up to Reception
One. Once you're there, Mr Copper. You've got staff access to the
computer. Try and find a way of transmitting an SOS. Astrid, you're
in charge of this
(holds out the EMP).
Once it's powered up, it'll take
out Hosts within fifty yards but then it needs sixty seconds to recharge.
Got it? Rickston, take this
(gives him the sonic
screwdriver).
I've preset it. Just hold
down that button. It'll open doors. Do not lose it! You got
that? Now go and open the next door. Go on! Go!
RICKSTON
All right!
He goes. THE DOCTOR takes down a First Aid kit and hands
it to MR COPPER.
THE DOCTOR
Mr Copper, I need you fighting
fit. Astrid, where's the power point?
ASTRID
Under the comms.
They run to the power point and THE DOCTOR shows her how
to recharge the EMP.
THE DOCTOR
When it's ready, that blue light
comes on there.
ASTRID
You're talking as if you're not
coming with us.
THE DOCTOR
There's something down on Deck
31. I'm gonna find out what it is.
ASTRID
What if you meet a Host?
THE DOCTOR
Well, then I'll just...have some
fun, eh?
ASTRID
Sounds like you do this kind of
thing all the time.
THE DOCTOR
Not by chance. All I do is
travel. That's what I am, just a traveller. Imagine it. No
tax, no bills, no boss, just the open sky.
ASTRID
I'm sort of...unemployed now and I
was thinking the blue box is kinda small, but I could kinda squeeze in.
Like a stowaway.
THE DOCTOR
It's not always safe.
ASTRID
So you need someone to take care
of you. I've got no one back on Sto, no family, just me. So what do
you think? Can I come with you?
THE DOCTOR
(smiles)
Yeah, I'd like that. Yes.
The ship lurches again and THE DOCTOR stands and speaks into
the comms.
THE DOCTOR
Mr Frame, you still with us?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME is at the wheel.
FRAME
It's the engines, sir. Final
phase. There's nothing more I can do. We've got only eight minutes
left!
INT. TITANIC ENGINE SPACE
THE DOCTOR
Don't worry, I'll get there.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
The bridge is sealed off!
INT. TITANIC ENGINE SPACE
THE DOCTOR
Yeah, yeah, working on it.
I'll get there, Mr Frame, somehow.
(The EMP is ready.)
All charged up? Mr Copper,
look after her. Astrid, look after him. Rickston, um...look after
yourself. And I'll see you again, promise.
He starts to leave.
ASTRID
Hold on! There's an old
tradition on Planet Sto...
THE DOCTOR
I've really got to go.
ASTRID
Just wait a minute!
She grabs the First Aid kit
from MR COPPER, sets it on the floor in front of THE DOCTOR, stands on it and
kisses him.
THE DOCTOR
(bemused)
Yeah, that's a very old
tradition, yeah.
He runs off.
ASTRID
See you later!
THE DOCTOR
(stops and turns)
Oh, yes!
He leaves and heads back the way they came while ASTRID,
MR COPPER and RICKSTON continue upward to Reception. RICKSTON opens a
door with the sonic screwdriver and comes upon HOST.
RICKSTON
Do it!
ASTRID uses the EMP and the HOST collapse. They
stand stunned before cheering and laughing.
INT. TITANIC KITCHEN
THE DOCTOR runs into a small kitchen and is soon
surrounded by four HOST. He grabs a pot by the handle, prepared to use it
as a weapon.
THE DOCTOR
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Security protocol one! Do you hear me? One! One!
(The HOST stop
advancing)
Okay, that gives me three
questions. Three questions to save my life, am I right?
HOST
Information: correct.
THE DOCTOR
No, that wasn't one of
them. I didn't mean it. That's not fair. Can I start again?
HOST
Information: no.
THE DOCTOR
No, no! No, no, no.
That wasn't one either. Blimey. One question left. One
question. So, you've been given orders to kill the survivors but
survivors must therefore be passengers or staff, but not me. I'm not a
passenger. I'm not staff. Go on, scan me. You must have bio
records. No such person on board. I don't exist therefore...you can't
kill me. Therefore, I'm a stowaway and stowaways should be arrested and
taken to the nearest figure of authority. And I reckon the nearest figure
of authority is on Deck 31. Final question: am I right?
HOST
Information: correct.
THE DOCTOR
Brilliant. Take me to your
leader.
(smiles)
I've always wanted to say that.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
ASTRID, MR COPPER and RICKSTON arrive in Reception.
ASTRID uses the EMP to take out the HOST waiting there.
ASTRID
Rickston, seal the doors, make
the room secure. Mr Copper, keep an eye on the Host.
(gives him the EMP).
I need to check the
computer. We need that SOS.
(the computer is down and she
slams her fist in frustration. Turning, she sees the teleport
bracelets. She calls the bridge.)
Bridge, this is Reception!
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
Who's there?
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
ASTRID
Astrid Peth. I was with the
Doctor. Tell me, can you divert power to the teleport system?
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
No way. I'm using
everything I got to keep the engines running.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
ASTRID
It's just one trip. I need
to get to Deck 31.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
And I'm telling you no.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
ASTRID
Mr Frame... this is for the
Doctor. He's gone down there on his own, and I... I can't just leave
him. He's done everything he can to save us. It's time we did
something to help him.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME
(shakes head)
Giving you power.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
ASTRID turns on the teleport and grabs a bracelet.
ASTRID
Mr Copper, I'm gonna find him.
She puts the bracelet on.
COPPER
Good luck.
ASTRID teleports.
INT. TITANIC DECK 31
THE DOCTOR is escorted to the Host storage facility on
Deck 31. There is much structural damage as well as small fires.
THE DOCTOR
Now that is what you call a
fixer-upper. Come on then, Host with the most, this ultimate authority of
yours, who is it?
(two doors slide open behind him and he spins around.)
Ooh, that's clever. That's an omnistate impact chamber. Indestructible. You can survive
anything in that, eh?
(a vehicle starts wheeling out.)
Sit through a supernova or a
shipwreck. Only one person can have the power and the money to hide
themselves onboard like this and I should know, 'cause...
The vehicle is revealed to be a giant life-support system
for Max Capricorn who is now just a head.
CAPRICORN
My name is Max.
Gold tooth glints.
THE DOCTOR
It really does that.
CAPRICORN
Who the hell is this?
THE DOCTOR
I'm the Doctor. Hello.
HOST
Information: stowaway.
THE DOCTOR
Well...
CAPRICORN
Kill him.
THE DOCTOR
Oh, no, no! Wait, but you
can't. Not now. Come on, Max...You've given me so much good material
like...How to get ahead in business. See "head"? "Head
in business"? No?
CAPRICORN
Oh, ho ho, the office
joker. I like a funny man. No one's been funny with me for years.
THE DOCTOR
I can't think why.
CAPRICORN
176 years of running the company
have taken their toll.
THE DOCTOR
Yeah, but...nice wheels.
CAPRICORN
No, a life-support system in a
society that despises cyborgs. I've had to hide away for years. Running
the company by hologram. Host, situation report.
HOST
Information: Titanic is still in
orbit.
CAPRICORN
Let me see.
(he moves forward and THE
DOCTOR steps out of his way.)
We should have crashed by
now. What's gone wrong?
(goes to edge and looks down
on engines)
The engines are still
running! They should have stopped!
THE DOCTOR
When they do, the Earth gets
roasted. I don't understand. What's the Earth got to do with it?
CAPRICORN
This interview is terminated.
THE DOCTOR
No, no, no, no, no, no!
ASTRID has arrived and peeks from around a corner.
THE DOCTOR
Hold on! Hold on!
Hold on! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I can work
it out. It's like a task. I'm your apprentice. Just watch
me. So... Business is failing and you wreck the ship so that makes
things even worse. Oh yes! No. Yes. The business isn't
failing, it's failed. Past tense.
CAPRICORN
My own board voted me out. Stabbed
me in the back.
THE DOCTOR
If you had a back. So...
ASTRID moves closer unseen.
THE DOCTOR
You scupper the ship, wipe out
any survivors in case anyone's rumbled you and the board find their shares
halved in value. Oh, but that's not enough. No, 'cause if a Max
Capricorn ship hits the Earth, it destroys an entire planet. Outrage back
home. Scandal! The business is wiped out.
CAPRICORN
And... the whole board thrown in
jail for mass murder.
THE DOCTOR
While you sit there, safe inside
the impact chamber.
CAPRICORN
I have men waiting to retrieve me
from the ruins and enough off-world accounts to retire me to the beaches of Pentaxico
Two where the ladies, so I'm told, are very fond of...metal.
THE DOCTOR
(indignant)
So that's the plan. A
retirement plan. 2000 on this ship, 6 billion underneath us, all of them
slaughtered. And why? Because Max Capricorn is a loser.
CAPRICORN
I never lose.
THE DOCTOR
You can't even sink the Titanic.
CAPRICORN
Oh, but I can, Doctor. I
can cancel the engines from here.
Alarms sound.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
Up on the bridge, FRAME hears the computer.
COMPUTER
Engines closing.
FRAME
No, no, no, no!
He rushes to instrument panels to try and stop it.
COMPUTER
Engines closing.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
MR COPPER and RICKSTON are still in Reception.
RICKSTON
What's happening?
INT. TITANIC DECK 31
THE DOCTOR
You can't do this!
CAPRICORN
Host, hold him.
Two HOST hold THE DOCTOR by the arms and pull him away.
CAPRICORN
Not so clever now, Doctor.
A shame we couldn't work together. You're rather good. All that
banter yet not a word wasted. Time for me to retire. The Titanic is
falling. The sky will burn. Let the Christmas inferno
commence. Oh! Oh, Host! Kill him.
The one HOST not holding THE DOCTOR removes his halo
preparing to follow orders.
ASTRID
(in forklift)
Mr Capricorn! I
resign.
She starts the forklift and rushes towards CAPRICORN.
THE DOCTOR
Astrid, don't!
ASTRID lifts the front of CAPRICORN'S life support just
enough so the tires have no purchase. His rear tires have enough traction
to cause a standoff. The HOST who was about to kill THE DOCTOR throws his
halo at ASTRID but misses, hitting something else.
THE DOCTOR
He's cut the break line!
Slow Motion -- ASTRID looks at THE DOCTOR who mouths
"No!" They stare meaningfully at each other before she turns
back to CAPRICORN. She raises the fork higher, lifting CAPRICORN fully
off the ground and steps on the gas. They both go over the edge.
THE DOCTOR
Astrid!
He runs to the edge and sees ASTRID falling towards the
engines, her hands reaching for him.
EXT. SPACE
COMPUTER
Titanic falling. Voyage
terminated.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME takes the wheel trying to control the ship.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
RICKSTON and MR COPPPER hold on for dear life.
INT. TITANIC DECK 31
Slow Motion -- THE DOCTOR walks away as sparks fall
behind him and fires burn -- end Slow Motion. He holds his arms out
to his sides and a HOST stands on either side. THE DOCTOR snaps his
fingers and the HOST hold his arms the fly upwards, gaining speed. With
arms raised the break through the floor of the bridge causing FRAME to shout.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
COMPUTER
Deadlock broken.
THE DOCTOR
(climbs through and stands)
Ah, Midshipman Frame at last!
FRAME
Uh, but-but the Host!
THE DOCTOR
Controller dead they divert to
the next highest authority and that's me.
FRAME
There's nothing we can do.
There's no power. The ship's gonna fall.
EXT. SPACE
COMPUTER
Titanic falling.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
THE DOCTOR
(takes wheel)
What's your first name?
FRAME
Alonzo.
THE DOCTOR
(looks at him surprised)
You're kidding me.
FRAME
(puzzled)
What?
THE DOCTOR
That's something else I've always
wanted to say. Allons-y Alonzo! Whoa!
The ship lurches dramatically as THE DOCTOR tries to
steer. They fall straight towards Earth's atmosphere and FRAME
screams. Outside, the Titanic begins to burn on entry. THE DOCTOR
fights the wheel.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
MR COPPER and RICKSTON cling to the furniture.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
An alarm sounds and THE DOCTOR uses his foot to
check. The computer shows the impact zone to be somewhere in London.
THE DOCTOR
(sighs)
Ah.
(uses the comms to "dial
out")
Hello, yes, um...could you get me
Buckingham Palace?
INT. NEWS STUDIO
NEWSCASTER:
And as dawn rises over Great
Britain, it seems that this year the city of London has escaped alien
intervention.
(vo.)
The Queen has remained in
residence in defiance of extraterrestrial attack.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
THE DOCTOR
Listen to me! Security Code
771! Now get out of there!
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE
The Queen rushes down a red-carpeted hallway, hair in
curlers and wearing a dressing gown. A footman is carrying a corgi.
FOOTMAN
Open the door!
EXT. LONDON STREET
WILF steps out of his kiosk and looks up at the sky.
WILF
Don't you dare, you aliens!
Don't you dare!
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
COMPUTER
Engine active. Engine
active.
THE DOCTOR pulls back on the wheel sending FRAME back
against the wall. Straining and bent over backwards, THE DOCTOR regains
control. The ship barely misses Buckingham Palace. At the wheel, THE
DOCTOR gasps, unable to believe his luck
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
MR COPPER holds onto RICKSTON.
EXT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE
Outside Buckingham Palace, the Queen waves at the passing
ship.
QUEEN:
Thank you, Doctor! Thank
you. Happy Christmas!
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
Once out of danger, THE DOCTOR begins to enjoy steering
and laughs.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
Both RICKSTON and MR COPPER realize how close it was.
RICKSTON
Yes, oh yes.
He hugs MR COPPER.
INT. TITANIC BRIDGE
FRAME rings the ship's bell.
FRAME
Whoo-hoo!
THE DOCTOR
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
The framed picture pf CAPRICORN sparks and falls to the
floor. Sometime later, FRAME is sitting on the floor and THE DOCTOR joins
him
THE DOCTOR
Used the heat of re-entry to fire
up the secondary storm drive. Unsinkable, that's me.
FRAME
We made it.
THE DOCTOR
Not all of us.
(pause)
Teleport!
(gets up)
She was wearing a teleport
bracelet!
He rushes out the door. FRAME follows.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
THE DOCTOR runs into Reception, his hand out.
THE DOCTOR
Rickston! Sonic!
(RICKSTON throws it and he
catches it).
Mr Copper, the teleports, have
they got emergency settings?
COPPER
I don't know. They should
have.
THE DOCTOR
She fell, Mr Copper. She
fell. What's the emergency code?
COPPER
Uh, let me see...
FRAME
What the hell are you doing?
THE DOCTOR
We can bring her back.
He begins to work on the teleport.
COPPER
If a passenger has an accident on
shore leave and they're still wearing their teleport, their molecules are
automatically suspended and held in stasis so that we can just trigger the
shift.
THE DOCTOR
(finishes)
There!
He stands and turns around. A glowing, transparent ASTRID
appears.
ASTRID
I'm falling.
THE DOCTOR
Only halfway there. Come
on.
He adjusts inner workings of the teleport.
ASTRID
I keep falling.
THE DOCTOR
Feed back the molecule grid,
boost it with the restoration matrix.
(teleport sparks)
No, no, no, no! Need more phase containment.
(teleport sparks)
No, no, no, no! Need more phase containment.
COPPER
Doctor --
THE DOCTOR
No! If I can just link up
the surface suspension...
COPPER
Doctor, she's gone.
THE DOCTOR
I just need to override the
safety. I can do it.
COPPER
Doctor, let her go.
THE DOCTOR turns to face ASTRID'S ghost-like
figure. He kicks the teleport in frustration.
THE DOCTOR
I can do anything!
ASTRID
Stop me falling.
THE DOCTOR walks towards her while the others
watch. MR COPPER stands beside him.
COPPER
There's no enough left. The
system was too badly damaged. She's just atoms, Doctor. An echo
with the ghost of consciousness. She's stardust.
THE DOCTOR
(walks closer)
Astrid Peth... citizen of Sto... the
woman who looked at the stars and dreamt of travelling. There's an old
tradition.
(leans down and kisses
her)
Now you can travel forever.
(opens a window behind her
with the sonic screwdriver and she turns into motes of light)
You're not falling, Astrid, you're
flying.
The lights go out the window leaving THE DOCTOR,
RICKSTON, MR COPPER and FRAME.
EXT. SPACE
The Titanic is in orbit over Earth.
INT. TITANIC RECEPTION
FRAME updates the others.
FRAME
The engines have
stabilized. We're holding steady till we get help and I've sent the
SOS. A rescue ship should be here within twenty minutes. And they're
digging out the records of Max Capricorn. It should be quite a story.
COPPER
They'll want to talk to all of
us, I suppose.
FRAME
I'd have thought so, yeah.
MR COPPER wanders over to THE DOCTOR who is staring
straight ahead, his face expressionless.
COPPER
I think, uh, one or two
inconvenient truths might come to light. Still, it's my own fault, and
then years in jail is better than dying.
RICKSTON
(comes over)
Doctor...I never said...thank you.
(hugs him)
The funny thing is...I said Max
Capricorn was falling apart. Just before the crash, I ...sold all my
shares, transferred them to his rivals. It's made me rich. What do
you think of that?
THE DOCTOR'S look at this comment seems to say "How
can you still be thinking of money after what just happened?"
RICKSTON'S vone rings.
RICKSTON
Salvain? Those shares, I
want them triple-bonded and locked.
His voice fades as he walks away.
COPPER
Of all the people to survive, he's
not the one you would have chosen, is he? But if you could choose,
Doctor, if you decide who lives and who dies...
(shrugs)
that would make you a monster.
THE DOCTOR looks at MR COPPER, curious at the insight.
THE DOCTOR
(sighs)
Mr Copper...
(turns to teleport and takes
two bracelets)
I think you deserve one of these.
MR COPPER smiles and puts on a bracelet. FRAME sees
and mouths "Hey" as he stands. MR COPPER chuckles and THE
DOCTOR starts the machine. Before they disappear, FRAME salutes and THE
DOCTOR salutes back, forefinger to the forehead.
EXT. LONDON (NIGHT)
Somewhere in an open space in London the TARDIS is
waiting. THE DOCTOR and MR COPPER walk across in what appears to be
falling snow.
COPPER
So, Great Britain is part of, uh,
"Europee" and just across the British Channel you've got Great France
and Great Germany.
THE DOCTOR
No, no, it's just -- it's just
France and Germany. Only Britain is great.
COPPER
Oh, and they're all at war with
the continent of Ham-erica?
THE DOCTOR
No, well...not yet, uh...could argue
that one.
(arrives at the TARDIS)
There she is.
(pats it)
Survive anything.
COPPER
You know, between you and me, I
don't even thing this snow is real. I think this is the ballast from the Titanic's
salvage entering the atmosphere.
THE DOCTOR
(looking up)
Yeah. One of these days it
might snow for real.
COPPER
So, I -- I suppose you'll be off.
THE DOCTOR
The open sky.
COPPER
And, uh, what about me?
THE DOCTOR
I travel alone. It's best
that way.
COPPER
What -- what am I supposed to do?
THE DOCTOR
Give me that credit card.
COPPER
(hands it over)
Well, it's just petty cash,
spending money. It's all done by computer. I -- I didn't really
know the currency so I thought a million might cover it.
THE DOCTOR
A million? Pounds?
COPPER
That enough for trinkets?
THE DOCTOR
Mr Copper, a million pounds is
worth 50 million credits.
COPPER
How much?
THE DOCTOR
(mentally calculating)
50 million and 56.
COPPER
I -- I've got money!
THE DOCTOR
Yes, you have.
He hands the card back.
COPPER
Oh my word. Oh my vot!
Oh my goodness me! I – Ya-ha!
THE DOCTOR
It's all yours -- Planet
Earth. Now that's a retirement plan. But just you be careful,
though.
COPPER
I will. I will. Oh, I
will.
THE DOCTOR
No interfering. I don't
want any trouble. Just...just have a nice life.
COPPER
But I can have a house, a proper
house, with a garden, and -- and a door, and...Oh, Doctor, I will made you proud.
(hugs THE DOCTOR)
And -- and I can have a kitchen
with chairs, and windows, and lace...
He skips off laughing.
THE DOCTOR
(pauses unlocking the TARDIS)
Um, where are you going?
COPPER
(chuckles)
Why, I have no idea!
THE DOCTOR
No, me neither.
He unlocks the TARDIS.
COPPER
But, Doctor... I won't forget her.
At the door, THE DOCTOR nods, looks up at the sky and
sees a blue streak of light zigzag across. He looks back at MR COPPER
skipping away.
THE DOCTOR
Merry Christmas, Mr Copper.
He steps inside and the TARDIS dematerializes.
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